Trapped in my Mind

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Mac Miller ft. Lil Wayne – The Question


My social meter feels like it’s at an all-time low lately. I’m not sure if it’s because I feel like most people don’t talk about anything interesting besides the latest gossip or because I’m so used to being by myself with my own thoughts. No matter the case I usually feel like my thoughts are better than what most people are talking about. I really hate how I can be out having a good time, then out the blue, I’ll zone out and will have a hard time coming back to reality. My silence has many meanings though, let me break down Bruce to you real quick. My 4 categories of silence are:

1. I’m not comfortable around you

2. I’m genuinely chilling and having a good time

3. I just don’t feel like talking

4. I’m thinking

Let me go a little deeper…

I’m Not Comfortable

Is it possible to be an extrovert and introvert? I’m an extrovert when I’m around the people I’m comfortable with, but if I don’t truly know you fully I’ll be very quiet and introverted until I decipher the type of person you are. I’m a good judge of character, so I wouldn’t call doing this rude or being stuck up. I’d describe it more like when you’re with a friend and they know everybody at a party, but you only know them. I’ll speak to greet people, but I won’t fully dive into conversation with anyone until I feel like that ice has been broken or I’m intrigued with them and want to know more. It’s like when you’re in a room full of people cool from other conditions you were never a part of, and the whole time they are using inside jokes and you’re always the only one that is on the outside looking in. You have to hit that Kawhi laugh like you know what’s funny, but the sad truth is you probably have no idea what they are laughing at. The more comfortable I am around you the more you’ll see my full personality. I’m like an ogre, you have to peel my layers back to get the full version of me. Everyone isn’t meant to be a character in your book of life. It’s good to be yourself, but not everyone can accept someone so comfortable in themselves when they aren’t.

I’m Chilling

It’s been so many times in the midst of me truly just chilling that I’ll be confronted on why I’m being silent. I honestly love complete silence sometimes, I feel like if you can’t sit in complete silence without it becoming awkward then you aren’t confident in yourself. How loud is your mind to where you can’t sit in silence in peace? I’m always in a chilling mood, so usually, this is the case when I’m silent, but still, nonetheless, I enjoy my own company or can be comfortable in a function just because I’m chilling enjoying the vibe of the scene. You don’t always have to be the loudest actor to have the star role in a movie. Remember the loudest person in the room is typically the weakest. Don’t be too loud. I’ve always liked having a chilling nature, I’ve never had to force relationships or friendships, they always come genuinely and typically last. Be authentically you and people will always remember you for being true to yourself.

I don’t feel like talking

In a wale interview, he expressed how he’d wake up and just wouldn’t feel like talking. Sometimes I want to wake up and get my mind right for the day first before I interact with anyone else. I’ll do my normal morning routine, get in my zone, and then begin talking to people once I felt like being social. I remember riding the bus to school in the mornings for high school and being annoyed by people being loud and rowdy at 7:45 in the morning. I didn’t understand how they could be so active that early in the morning, I would be the kid with his earphones in taking a nap on the ride and then finally talking once we got to school and was walking around. I’m really a very talkative person when it’s a topic I like discussing, but I don’t really care to make conversation just to pass time. I like to learn from people, so filler conversations are like baby talk, it’s ineffective. Teaching me something I don’t know or giving me information on something I’m not fully knowledgable of is the best way to pull me out this funk sooner than later, all in all, I prefer to crank my engine and let it warm up before I pull off.

I’m Thinking

I spend more time lost in my own mind than doing anything else. I think it’s important to be comfortable in your mind as a creative, I mean this is the location your work will stem from. A lot of times I’ll hear something in a conversation and go on a thinking high and become lost in my mind having a conversation on the topic. This really helps me in the long run, don’t think I’m crazy. Most of my blogs come from me randomly coming across a question I’ll ask myself or conversations with myself where I challenged my stance to a point where I felt I could finally have a true point to make on the topic. On the contrary, a lot of times I’m thinking through situations that may never happen, but nevertheless I’d be prepared if I was to be put into them. It’s like when you have fake arguments with yourself to prepare yourself for what you’d say in the real situation. Nothing is worse than thinking of something better to say once the argument is over, a little role play will make sure you never forget that good jab to sway the argument back into your favor.

Silence isn’t always a negative thing, positivity can come from it in many ways if you’re patient enough to see it. Since we are in a demand economy now, we want all our wants and desires catered to us immediately. When we can’t get that, it feels as if we aren’t worthy to be served when in reality if you listen close enough all your answers will always be provided to you in a timely manner. Silence has helped me gain a solid visual and knowledge of who I am and has made me a lot more conscious of things that bother me or things that I like. Your mind can be a place where you go and fall into a pit of deep thoughts or a place that you go to when you want your own peace. Never be afraid to find serenity in yourself, at the end of the day you have to be alone with your thoughts. Drinking until you can’t hear your thoughts or being so high that you forget those thoughts will never be a good solution, those feelings eventually wear off and you’re back in the same position that you were trying so hard to avoid. Take the time to know yourself and what makes you yourself. Proverbs 17:27-28 states “The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered. 28 Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues.”


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