Feel

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Kendrick Lamar – Feel

How often does someone have to check up on you for you to know they care about you?

What ways can someone show us love and it stick? Is it because we don’t believe the person when they say it? Maybe it’s because we aren’t vulnerable, that’s why it’s not sticking right? Running low on your quick high of self-love and can’t accept the phrase because you don’t love yourself at the moment?… We can’t fathom the thought of the love people show us being true because we don’t feel that for ourselves… We have to dive into that problem as well and figure out why that is. Could it be from childhood trauma or did you just not heal properly after a situation? This is how I feel…

I feel like I’m losing my patience. I’ve been having the urge to treat people how they treat me more than ever now. Tit for tat… This helps nothing though, but what it does show that person is what they are putting out. I’m losing my patience in keeping it cordial with people. It’s like they’re laughing in my face and I’m supposed to sit there with the stale face when I know if they knew who I’m becoming they’d view me differently. I’m tired of restraining myself while everyone else walks around carefree doing whatever they like with no awareness of how lost they are. 

I feel like I’m losing my focus. I feel like whenever I get where I want to be in my headspace and in a good routine for how I want my days to flow something comes along and derails me from it completely. It’s like I’m constantly being pulled away from what’s making me great. Maybe it’s my fault I keep allowing myself to be distracted. Maybe I should just crackdown and isolate myself in my grind and that’ll solve the problem. I feel that I keep spending time thinking about how what I’m doing now directly affects my future that it stresses me out and it makes me discredit what I do now because I know if I wasn’t stressed I would be doing more. I now realize that I am the root of my own problems…

I feel like I keep contradicting myself and it’s killing me. A lot of days I want to sink in my body and shrivel up in a corner and be alone and all the other days I want to walk in my purpose. I want love, but I also want my space to grow independently. I want riches, but I also want peace. I want a big family, but I’m also fearful of the idea of death. It’s so many things I want, but backdoor it with fear and cancel out all my desires with comfort in a zone deep within my own safe zone. This is a big reason why I want to move away and just go off and be disconnected from the world so I can have a fresh start and become all I want in peace, but would that really be peaceful?

I feel many things. Maybe its my zodiac sign (cancer) in me that makes me so moody based on my emotions on how I’m feeling at the moment. I don’t understand it, but I still get it, you know what I mean? It’s like I understand all of this, but at the end of the day, none of it matters. It annoys me enough to be on my mind, but it doesn’t affect me enough to stop me from being who I am. I must continue to be the best me and the only way I can do this is by knowing myself… Then again I feel like I’m going against myself so much to where I have to ask myself am I loyal to myself or to God?

This is just how I feel…

-KoryH

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